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Pirateopedia: Billy Gates III

by
May 26, 2010
Not-So-Jolly Roger, Spineless Fiction
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Born: 1959 in Palo Alto, California.

Family: Son of William Gates II, entrepreneur, and Norma Gates, homemaker and president of the local Palo Alto Homemakers for Marital Fidelity. Married to Fiona Gates (nee Good), former wife of Not-So Jolly Roger.

Early life: Billy Gates III’s childhood was fairly normal and he did very well in school. However, his grades dropped dramatically when the local diner splashed out and got a Pong game. After that, Billy spent most of his days completely focused on blocking the path of the square Pong ball by moving a white line up and down. The time not spent doing that was spent hunting down coins to feed his Pong-addiction.

Somehow, Billy managed to work his grades up so he could go to college. Some people claim that Billy didn’t work anything up, and that it in fact was his dad that worked Ms. Tillywinkle, Billy’s principal, up. Rumour has it that the matter was discussed at a Homemakers for Marital Fidelity meeting, but this has been ferociously denied by Norma Gates. What we do know is that Billy Gates dropped out of college less than two months before his graduation. By then his Pong-addiction had gotten the better of him and he just couldn’t leave his beloved Pong to go to boring lectures. He didn’t even care that Pong, by now, was hopelessly out of date and that everyone else had moved on to Space Invaders.

Career: When Billy’s dad heard that he had dropped out of college, he locked his son into the garage so that he could think about his unwise decision. No-one knows exactly what Billy did in the garage that night, but when he came out he was all flustered and talked incoherently about “world domination” and the very next day he started MegaSmooth Software with the money he got from selling his dad’s car.

After having spent two nights in a holding cell for stealing and selling the car, his mom took pity on him and paid the bail, and Billy went on to develop and launch MegaSmooth’s first software line: “Little helper”.

“Little helper” was the first desktop advisor on the market. It made a little cartoon nerd (modeled on little Billy himself) pop up to give friendly advice whenever the user did anything out of the ordinary…well…it actually had an annoying habit of popping up ALL THE TIME!

That in turn led to MegaSmooth’s next software line: “Little Helper: vacation expansion kit”, a handy little program that gave the users the option to send Little Helper on vacation and leave them in peace. The bestselling product, however, was the now legendary “Little Helper: extended vacation in Hell” expansion. After only three months on the market, it was estimated that a whopping 99.9 percent of all computer owners had bought it.

Billy quite quickly left the daily running of the business to his henchmen and focused on a grander plan that was brooding at the back of his mind: World domination. Unfortunately, that plan had to wait until the world was ready to be dominated by an autocratic nerd with big ambitions. That happened in 2108 and Billy Gates III is very proud of his great, great grandson, Willie VII, for fulfilling his dream.

Misc: The direct TV link that old Billy Gates III now has plugged into his brain is just as bug ridden as all other software from MegaSmooth, so he is currently stuck watching old re-runs of Jerry Springer on the Golden Oldies channel. He’s also planning on suing Jerry for damages, but Jerry is too busy touring the world with “Jerry Springer – the Opera”, starring himself for the 78th consecutive year, that he doesn’t have the time to care about old Billy’s lawyers.

Anna Troberg

Anna Troberg är verksamhetschef för Wikimedia Sverige och författare, men bland de karaktärsdanande ungdomssynderna kan hon räkna några år som bokförlagschef och ett förflutet som partiledare för Piratpartiet. Hennes humoristiska roman "Chefer från helvetet" är publicerad i Sverige, Norge och Finland. Hennes motto är: "Life is pain. Get used to it ... or make it better!" Åsikterna på bloggen är hennes egna.

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