Pirateopedia: Fiona Gates

May 26, 2010
Not-So-Jolly Roger, Spineless Fiction
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Born: 2073 (nee Good)

Family: Married to Willie Gates VII, no children. Formerly married to Not-So-Jolly Roger.

Early life: Fiona grew up in Washington where her dad worked as a cleaner in the congress. Therefore, she often refers to the good old day’s when her dad “was a congressman”. Her mom was a piano teacher and when she was seven, Fiona could play all of Mozart’s piano concertos by heart. “It’s very important for a girl to know how to use her hands if she wants to get a fine man,” her mother used to say and in high school Fiona realised just how right her mom had been.

Career: After graduating from Soda-Cola University?, Fiona got a job tending to Soda-Cola?’s vending machines at MegaSmooth’s main office in Sillicon Valley. There she met a striking young, Irish lad called Roger, who seemed to have an enormous need to quench his thirst with Soda-Cola. Fiona spotted him and used her hands as best as she could to help him relieve his thirst. She took special care making sure that the vending machine outside Roger’s office was always full with nice, cool cans of Soda-Cola.

After a particularly drunken company party, she went in for the kill and three months later they were married, to Willie Gates VII’s great dismay. He had the office next to Roger’s and had been putting his money in the same slot as him for quite some time, and had hoped that the Soda-Cola girl should notice him. After all, his wallet was bigger than Roger’s.

As soon as they were married Fiona quit her job and started living off Roger. After all, that had been her plan all along: to get a rich guy with a fancy title. And Roger had both money and fancy titles, at least until Willie Gates VII unexpectedly took full control of MegaSmooth and kicked him out.

This was also very bad for Fiona who in one day went from being the envy of all the other women in the MeegaSmooth’s Executive Wives Club, to being a rejected outcast. It was a very unexpected turn of events and certainly very bad for her career. Luckily Willie Gates VII took pity on her and helped her out of her horrific situation by snatching her from Roger. “I’ve already shared a slot with you once,” he said to the dumbfounded Roger. “I won’t do that again. This time, it’s all mine!” And once again Fiona was greeted with envious looks when she made a triumphant return as the president of the Executive Wives Club.

Misc: Fiona has by no means forgiven Roger for letting her down by getting fired from MegaSmooth. So, to feel better, she does what she can to make his life hell. She has discovered that the most effective way of doing so is by sharing as much information about him as possible with her present husband. And as her present husband is very understanding, he stands by his wife and shares and supports her interest in Roger-bashing.

Anna Troberg

Anna Troberg är verksamhetschef för Wikimedia Sverige och författare, men bland de karaktärsdanande ungdomssynderna kan hon räkna några år som bokförlagschef och ett förflutet som partiledare för Piratpartiet. Hennes humoristiska roman "Chefer från helvetet" är publicerad i Sverige, Norge och Finland. Hennes motto är: "Life is pain. Get used to it ... or make it better!" Åsikterna på bloggen är hennes egna.

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